Book Giveaway: How We Love

Today I have a giveaway that I’m really excited about.  I’ve told you about the insight I got from The Whole-Brain Child and Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel Seigel. The books I’m giving away today dovetail beautifully with Seigel’s, offering even more insight into how we naturally relate to people, and how to move forward in a way that improves all the relationships in our lives.

How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage is the book Milan and Kay Yerkovich wrote to help couples figure out how their natural relational ‘type’ (honed by childhood experiences) affects their current ability to love each other well. How We Love Our Kids: The Five Love Styles of Parenting explains those concepts again, this time in relation to how we tend to parent.

According to the books, the relationship style that is most associated with good relationships is called the ‘secure connector’.  Here’s a checklist to see how close you are to being a secure connector.  And here’s an audio talk where the couple explains this list in great detail.

However, since we are humans who were parented by humans in a less-than-perfect world, we all have tendencies that are less-than-healthy.  Here’s a brief summary of those five personality types.  See which sentence most resonates with you.

  • Avoider: “I like people, but I’m not very comfortable when they get emotional. I like to keep it simple… it’s so much easier when people just take care of themselves.”
  • Pleaser:“I work hard at making those I love happy, and I’m not great at saying “no” or keeping boundaries. But anything is better than having people upset with me.”
  • Vacillator:“I long for relationships and connection, but people always let me down. Sometimes I wonder if its even worth it anymore.”
  • Victim: “I keep my needs quiet, and honestly, I’m not even sure what my needs are. It’s safer when I just go with the flow… there’s less opportunity for a blow-up.”
  • Controller: “I don’t like being outside of my comfort zone, so I always make sure I’m the one in charge. That way I know for sure that I won’t be taken advantage of.”

Even folks who had relatively happy childhoods usually tend in one or more of the directions described above. The books explain how some of these personality types interact with each other, and how we each can grow in ways that will allow us to ‘earn’ emotional and relational security as adults.  Fascinating stuff!

This week I am giving away a copy of both How We Love and How We Love Our Kids

To be entered into the drawing, please comment below and tell me which book most appeals to you.  If you’re brave enough, you can also tell me which personality type sounds most like you.  I think I’m a pleaser, with a dab of controller tossed in there, which (I half-jokingly told my husband) means I want to MAKE everyone be happy.  He chuckled and said, “That sounds about right.”  Thanks to these books, though, I’m also working on becoming a secure connector.

If you would like a second chance to win these two books, you may also share the link to this contest on facebook or twitter, then come back to comment a second time.  I’ll announce a winner on Friday.


This post contains affiliate links, which means if you buy any of these books by clicking on the links here, I will receive a small portion of the cost of the book as a commission.  This doesn’t increase the cost to you, but those pennies do add up and go to support all the free content here.  I appreciate your support.


  1. I’m sure I would benefit from both books, but right now, marriage stuff is on my mind. I’d love to read How We Love! (I think I’m a bit of an avoider.)

  2. I think how we love is what I want to read

  3. I think How We Love our Kids sounds good. I could benefit from it!

  4. How We Love

  5. I tweeted about the giveaway.

  6. Both books look good – could use work on both areas. Looks like I’m a pleaser….

  7. They both appeal to me. “How we love” is probably a good start.

  8. I would like to read the one about kids. I think I am a pleaser.

  9. I think How We Love seems like an interesting read. Thanks for the giveaway!

  10. Honestly, it sounds to me like these books would be really good for any type of relationship. I think I am probably closest to the pleaser, but I could see myself in any of those descriptions. It’s very interesting (and a bit sobering, too, to face one’s darker side!).

  11. Wow,
    these are both right up my alley. I guess the How we Love Our Kids would be the most practical at the moment! But either would be great.
    thank you!!!

  12. This sounds fascinating! I think I grew up in an Avoider household, and my husband probably emerged from his childhood with Victim tendencies. With three young kids, I’d be most interested in the parenting book.

  13. How We Love sounds really good – especially as I’m in the middle (literally) of issues between my husband and mother right now, and it ALL comes down to how we each interpret relationships!

  14. I want How We Love Our Kids! I am completely an avoider with a little controller mixed in.

  15. I would like to read How We Love.

  16. I am a pleaser. I would love either book but probably need the How to Love Your Kids book more.

  17. Both are great books.

  18. This book sounds really good! I’m probably an avoider/controller combo. I’m a real delight to be around. 🙂 But looking through the list I see a lot of things Scott (the pleaser) and I have learned to do throughout our marriage, so that’s encouraging.

  19. I’d most like to read How we Love as it seems the stress of life most lands on my marriage right now. I have no idea which category I fit into…yet.

  20. How We Love Our Kids. I definitely fall into a controller role, but the definition doesn’t sound quite right for me. It’s interesting to me that I can tell a difference between the type of person I was at 20, 30, and 40. At 20 I was definitely more like a pleaser and a victim (coming from an alcoholic home) but by 25 I figured out those weren’t the roles I had to live with and be defined by. I had no voice until I was 27, when my first son was born, and one day it just occurred to me that I was his voice, the mouth piece for him. At that point I took control. Not for fear of being taken advantage of, but because I was capable of making sure life wasn’t filled with hurt and disappointment.

  21. Shared on FB.