Sentences you never thought you’d use

“Please don’t wash the chair by licking it!”  (Spoken to my 6 year old who had been given a washcloth and assigned chair-washing.)

When asked why she’d chosen to use her tongue for this task, she replied: “Because I thought I saw a lump on it.”

Your turn:  what was the craziest sentence to exit your mouth lately?


  1. That was this morning when one of the almost 3 year old twin sons used his “lovie” to wipe his hinny!

    “Honey, please do not use THAT to wipe your bottom. Yuck!”

  2. “Raviolis don’t belong in your shoe” … a few minutes later, “OR IN THE TOILET!!!!” “No, they can’t swim.”

  3. oh my, as I’m a teacher I’m sure I have many of these, but I honestly cannot think of even one right now!! I do have one that a student said to me….and *eighth* grader, mind you…. “She’s Looking at me!”

  4. “do not kiss the potty”
    “you have your own water, don’t drink the dog’s”
    “no, you can’t go boom-o down the stairs”
    “do not lick Chloe” (the baby I watched today)
    “we don’t spit on the dog”

    And that was just this afternoon!

  5. “please don’t put your mouth on the potty”

    to my 14-month-old son. 🙂

  6. “Please don’t put your mouth on the potty”

    to my 14-month-old son

  7. Uttered today:

    “You will have to take turns the rest of your life so you’d better just get used to it!”

  8. Said to my BOSS today….

    “I think people who drive down the road with headphones on are very careless….”

    My boss:

    “Oh…I drove down the road with headphones on today….”

    Hah….good thing she’s a nice boss!! 🙂

  9. After putting seven cups in the dish washer, and finding 4 more just minutes later, I told my husband, “The kids think the Dish Fairy puts all the dishes away. ”

    I turned to my 11 year old son and said, “Do I look like a fairy?”

  10. Said to my 4 year old son, “Do not brush your toes with your toothbrush.” He just laughed. I threw out the brush.

  11. “Please stop licking your sister.”

  12. “You will text me every time you start that ignition and every time you turn it off or those keys will be mine for a month and you will ride the BUS to school like you did before you got that license.”

    I never meant to, but I think I’ve turned into Nazi Mom the minute her dad handed her those keys.

  13. To my 2yo: “Okay, we have to go in and wash your hands now. Next time don’t pick up the dog poopy, okay?”

    Me: “Don’t put that bucket on your head!”
    7yo: “But it’s empty.”
    Me: “Well, yes, I rinsed it out after you threw up in it a couple hours ago, but that doesn’t mean it’s clean enough to put on your head.”

  14. “Sentences don’t start with ‘yeah, but…’ ”
    This is my husband’s favorite thing to say to our tweenage boys.

    “We don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
    That’s my favorite.

  15. I can tell you the best I ever heard from a friend of mine–we were on the phone (17 yrs ago) and she said to her son “don’t hit your sister so hard.” I always thought I should write a book with that as the title.

  16. “Don’t put your toe in your eye while I’m driving!” –said to my oldest daughter when she was about 2, I think.

  17. Please don’t clean the glass (covered in dog slime) with your tongue. No, you can’t wear your panties on your head out of this house. Stop stepping on your sister. Why are the mandarin oranges on top of the ceiling fan? Is that a spitball on the painting in my room?

  18. Fern, you crack me up! That one made me laugh out loud!

  19. Said to the four year old at 2:45 am, while removing very wet sheets from the two year old’s bed.

    Me: “Did you pee in your brother’s bed?”

    Reply: “No”

    Me: “Well, why are naked and why are your pajamas in his bed?”

  20. “Everyone check your poop for worms!”

    After we discovered our brand new daughter from China brought home pinworms.

  21. To my group of National Honor Society students:

    “I thought you guys might want to have an after party for new NHS inductees. You know, take the new kids out, have some fun with them…

    …Wait, uh, not hazing. That did not mean hazing. Oh jeez, please don’t interpret that to mean ‘hazing’!”

  22. When taste-testing candy at work (yes, I work at a candy company):
    “This blue raspberry doesn’t taste *blue* enough.”

    Said to my beagle:

    “Do you not understand ENGLISH” and
    “You would be much more useful if you had opposable thumbs.”

  23. “Quit picking your nose with your tongue” Said to my daughter who doesn’t believe in kleenex and has a very long tongue.

  24. To my 2yo – “No diaper cream is not the same as ice cream”

  25. To my year old, about 15 minutes ago:

    “Are you gargling your carrots?”

  26. Only Daddy kisses Mommy like that. Close your mouth.

  27. Well, that reminds me of the time I was on the phone with you and had to pause to tell a child not to use GLASS saucepan lids as symbols! Apparently I hadn’t covered that in the list of things not to do.

  28. to my middle child…..H. we don’t lick strangers…….true story.

  29. “Where did you leave your legs? Hurry up and put your legs on so we can go,” spoken to my 8-year-old son who wears prosthetics, and generating a chuckle from the person I was on the phone with, who said, ” now you don’t hear that every day!”

  30. LOL – oh, several of these have made me just laugh out loud!

    Here’s my contribution – my my 4yo son while at IHOP – “quit trying to walk up the wall, please!”

  31. I loved your blog and all of the comments. I remember telling my son “Please don’t eat your socks.” That was the start of all of the things I’d never thought I’d say.

  32. Shannon From Auz says:

    To my almost three year old son William about a half an hour ago.
    “Don’t wipe your nose on my arm…don’t wipe your nose on your piece of toast either!”