Crazed madman

This afternoon I planned a carefully orchestrated set of errands.

The plan was to get my daughter and her friend to drivers ed at 3:00, my two sons to confirmation at 3:45, pick both sets of kids up (3 miles apart) as close to 4:30 as possible, and in between run to the bread store, the UPS store, the library, and the pharmacy. With careful timing it could all be done in an hour and a half. But it all hinged on leaving the house at 2:30.

I served lunch at 1:30. At 1:50 I warned the kids that they would all need to be downstairs and ready to go by 2:20. I reminded my 12 year old to comb his hair, and my 8 year old to bring his book to read to me in the car. I changed the baby, got my packages in the van, got my water bottle in the van, called the pharmacy to warn them I was coming, combed my hair, dabbed on a bit of makeup so as not to look TOO frazzled-mom, had both 8 year olds change into unholey jeans, changed my 4 year old and my 1 year old into clean clothes, told my 4 year old to use the potty.

1:20, and all was going swimmingly. Nearly everyone was ready, and actually we did not have to leave for 10 minutes. For once, I thought, I would surely be able to leave the house without dressing the toddler in the car or sitting in the van honking repeatedly for some pokey kid to show up.

All I needed now was my keys and we could head out the door.

My keys.

Searched my purse.


Dug in my pockets.


Upended the laundry basket in my bathroom so I could look in yesterday’s pockets. And the day before’s.

The really ridiculous thing here, people, is that I am the proud owner of TWO complete sets of keys. Given to me by my loving hubby just for such an eventuality (or in my case, just such an inevitability).

You’d think I’d know where one set was.


With growing desperation, I emptied off my dresser.


Dug through the junk drawer.


Checked the key rack. Twice. Desperately. Nope.

Dug through my purse again. Nope.

By this time I also had all the kids over the age of 2 scouring the house along with me while I muttered naughty words encouraged them to hurry. About the time I was dragging couches away from walls to look under them and I realized it was 2:35, I told the 16 year old that she’d better call her friend’s mom and beg her to drive today. Thankfully the friend’s mom said sure, and that they’d be walking out the door in a sec.

That is when my 16 year old picked up my purse, zipped open the top pocket where I usually keep them– and pulled out BOTH sets.

Right. where. they. belonged.

I had somehow managed to search every compartment in that dumb bag TWICE, except the compartment that I keep them in.

We did manage after that to get hold of the friend who, thanks to dog-puke in her car, hadn’t actually left her house yet. I ended up being able to complete all my errands in a relatively timely manner. We weren’t even late to driver’s ed.

BUT now my house looks like it was ransacked by a crazed madman, and I’m thinking about scheduling an appointment to get my head examined.

Because, really, what COULD I have been thinking???


  1. I cannot believe that I am going to say this but . . . I spent about 30 minutes once looking for my keys. I even called my husband to see if he had seen the keys only to figure out that they were on the other side of the big mug of ice water I did not even feel them. My hand must have been frozen or something and I could not feel them at least that is the excuse I like to use. It is better than saying I am losing my mind slowly but surely.:)

  2. That is just too funny. It also makes me feel a lot better. These days I epitomize that old saying, “You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached!”

  3. You would not believe how many times I’ve done that same thing. It is so incredibly frustrating. Bad words, indeed.

  4. I’m laughing right now….not at you, of course. I’m just realizing how many times (a day) I have done the same thing. I even placed a hook near the front door to help me keep track of them. Do you think I use that hook? Nah…
    I think you can skip having your head examined. You are in good company 🙂

  5. You were thinking about the one billion and one details involved in getting everyone out the door and your plan accomplished, and you are normal, normal, NORMAL, I tell you! I know this because I, like the ladies who’ve already commented and others I know, have done the same kind of thing, and we are normal. Yes, we are. Either that or we are a huge contingent of crazy madwomen on the loose. Not that the world has anything to fear, since we can’t even find our car keys to get very far! Thanks for the laugh.

  6. I too am laughing WITH you. I have done this more times than I care to remember only to learn that they were just deeper in a pocket or whatever. Oh, the frustration level!!!

  7. I was laughing my head off! I lose my keys all the time–and slam the locked front door to the instant realization that my keys are still inside way too often. :^)

  8. I’ve so been there! RIght down to the whole ‘encouraging” all the kids able to walk on their own to help look. I’m just glad you finally found them!

  9. This is too complicated a story to tell all the details here, but a friend called all her daughter’s friends’ families at about 2am looking for her daughter because she thought her daughter hadn’t come home yet. She’d looked in her room and didn’t see her in the bed for some reason. So she woke them all up and then had to call them all back to say ‘Whoops! My mistake…’

  10. The worst is when you lock both sets in the car with the engine running.
    That was a bad day

  11. You are not the only one. My husband had thought about installing a “clapper” on my keys so everytime I can’t find (either set) them (at least three times a week), I’ll be able to clap and they’ll beep to lead me to them. We haven’t figured out how to make that work, though!

  12. I have been known to call hubby at work to see if he knows where my keys are – like he would?? I have also been known to pay a handsome reward to the finder of my missing keys. They love it when I can’t find them. Cha-ching!

  13. I was a little worried when there were 3 referrers on my stats page coming from a post entitled “Crazed madman,” but I’m relieved to know that it was you who was crazed, not me, and that they must have been linking from your blogroll. Whew.

    If you’re loosing your keys a lot, you might attach them to your cell phone. Then you can just call your keys.

  14. We just did the same thing this morning at 8:45. The digging, the searching, the tearing apart of the house. Know where mine were? In the lock in the backdoor. Since last night. Come on in burglars, I left the keys right there for you!

  15. Last night, I spent a good twenty minutes wandering around the car parks at work muttering (bad words) and becoming increasingly convinced that my bike had been stolen. It was, of course, exactly where I always leave it. It had not been stolen. It had not changed colour. It was just plain HIDING!

  16. Good thing your friend had dog-puke in her car and didn’t leave on time either.

    Just kiddin’ 😉

  17. Oh boy, I have done this to many times to count. Something that did not help here is that sometimes my husband uses my keys or will hide them from me if they are not in the place that I am “supposed” to put them. He thinks it so funny when after looking for what seems like forever I call him and say “where are my keys?” He has not done this in a few years though, as he recently started leaving his sets of keys in odd spots also!

  18. I just came across your website from largerfamilies and i had to comment on this one. Sound so much like me but nearly every morning as I am trying to get out of the door for, well, just about anything. What is it with the keys? I think they hide on purpose and then pop back where they are supposed to be just to drive us insane. As if we didn’t have enough to drive us insane!

  19. But have you ever locked your keys in your car with an infant still inside and the engine running?

    Not that I know anyone who did that or anything…

  20. Whew! And I thought I was the only one who felt like she didn’t have a brain sometimes.