Just Call Me Fruit–Butt

There are times when I wonder if my husband is actually my friend.

Yesterday, in a vain attempt at keeping the one year old quiet during church, I doled out fruit snacks– one every minute or so. Apparently I had forgotten the cardinal rule of objects in mouth. Within a minutes she was drooling copious strands of red goo from her mouth down onto her pale yellow dress, causing me to rethink my strategy.

After dabbing futilely with a baby wipe (no doubt wafting that heady I’m-changing-a-diaper perfume all over the sanctuary), I retreated with her to the nursery. Late in the church service I returned with her to the sanctuary, at which time my husband noticed that I had a fruit snack stuck to my butt.

Now, logically, THAT would be the moment at which to casually lean over, and ever-so-stealthily whisper, “You have fruit stuck to your butt” or something to that effect. Did my husband do that? No! Rather he chose to wait. All the time I was standing and sitting in service, he said nothing. After church, when I was gadding about at the back of the church visiting with people, he said nothing. All afternoon, he said nothing.

Along about bedtime, one of my teenagers said, ‘Mom, you have something gross on your butt.” I reached back to find a two inch smear of sticky goo right on the middle of my behind, complete with half a fruit snack still adhered to it.

“Oh, yeah,” said my dear darling precious husband. “I noticed that during church.”

PS- If you happen to know me in real life, please don’t actually call me fruit-butt. I might cry.

UPDATE: My husband read this post and informed me that I had the story wrong. He DID see smashed fruit-snack– on the PEW, and thought there must be some on my bum too, but forgot to check it out when I returned from the nursery, since (for the record) he does NOT make a habit of scoping out my bum during church. So. There ya have the real scoop.


  1. I'm not sure, is that better or worse than toilet paper stuck to your shoe?

    I'm so sorry…. 🙂

  2. Where were those teenaged daughters of yours when you needed them? That's one thing I can depend on my daughter for–keeping me presentable!!!

  3. First of all … that's just wrong!

    Second of all … what about all your Godly and spiritual friends at church?!? Humph! If I were there, I would have told you. Really, I would have.

  4. Dear Fruitbutt,

    I rarely laugh out loud while I'm reading, but this one got me!

  5. Oof. Men never think that stuff is important…but it is!

    Incidentally, if you haven't already tried those new stain pens, this would be the perfect time. I didn't believe they actually worked until I splattered Chinese food on my shirt. Yup. Worked like a charm.

  6. Oh NO he DIDN't! MEN!

  7. Ahhhh….I'm so sorry!!!

  8. it's those "oh, yea" comments that I just shake my head at. Men.

  9. Sheesh! You can count on men to be like that!

  10. Oh man…last spring break, my friends and I drove to Texas, and I totally dropped a fruit snack in my lap, sat on it, and melted it to the seat of my jeans and my friend's car seat. Awesome.

  11. How funny. I'm sure we've all walked around with something stuck to our butts at one time or another. How about something green stuck in your teeth. I seem to always have that problem due to the salads I eat. Great blog.


  12. Sure he did.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. I'll have to add you to my reads. This was pretty funny.

  13. I actually laughed out loud on this. So loud my son is asking what I am laughing about. Now mind you, I am not laughing at you.. merely with you because this sounds SO like something that would happen to me in my world! You know what they say… misery loves company. 🙂

  14. This is too funny! It reminded me of when I was in 9th grade – 14 years old. My b/f and I had a code word – it was BOS. It meant check the back of our skirt (we went to private school and had to wear skirts each day). It was that time of life when we were so paranoid of you know what!!
    I guess fruit would be just as bad!

  15. OH! That is hysterically funny. To us, anyway, not to you, I'm sure…

  16. *sigh* Men.

  17. That's so funny! 😀

    My husband does exactly the same thing, i.e., never letting me know when I'm unknowingly doing something embarrassing!

  18. So now we have progressed from being mad because "Why didn't you tell me I had fruit on my butt" to being mad because "Why AREN'T you checking out my butt? Is there something WRONG with my butt? What, do you think I have a BIG BUTT or something? ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?"
    Wait, that's me.
    And now we're back to creepy person commenting on your blog…

  19. My husband would do the same thing!

  20. One of the few nice things the guy I dated when I was 20 ever did for me was stand directly behind me for a whole evening, thus hiding the fact that I had unwittingly ripped my trousers right across my butt and was displaying my bottom to the world. Oh yes, we were in church. Actually one of the things I liked least about him was his habit of watching ladies’ bottoms on their way up to communion, but on that occassion, I’m glad he was staring at mine!

  21. I have a friend that went out to eat with her little family after church one Sunday. The restaurant was busy so they had to wait to be seated. She excused herself to use the facilities. Poor dear got her skirt caught in her pantyhose so her whole behind was showing when she emerged from the necessary room. She walked past her husband & through the restaurant (in front of her husband) to the table, & only when she reached to straighten her skirt before she sat down did she notice the "problem". She was mortified, but I think she was more angry with her husband for not saying anything.